It’s a pandemic I tell you!
With all the September conventions completed and the November ones not quite here yet, I can get back to some editorial. This next article is tale of suffering, deception, and sometimes – bacon. I hate to be the one to have to bring this to all of you but it is something we can not longer afford to ignore. This my friend is of course, Swine Flu.
I saw this sickness float through the air at a lot the conventions this past month. So many people in one place, practically living on top and around each other, day after day after day.
“My god!” I thought, “That Sesshomaru just sneezed! He’s been wearing that costume all weekend!! How many free hugs has he given!?!”
After drowning myself in hand sanitizer and showering ’til Thursday, a thought came into my head. “There’s a connection! – anime is the leading cause of the spread of Swine Flu in North America!!”
After this, I knew what I had to do: Identify the carriers and warn the public. After many a long night of poring through pages of medical guides, analyzing blood slides, and main-lining 53% of my anime collection; here are my findings. I hope these warnings help you all stay safe and healthy.
Case File #1 – Porco Rosso (Porco Rosso)
Swine Flu – a pig that flies! How did no one see this!? Porco Rosso, the Crimson Pig, flies through the sky in his amazing red airplane bringing joy and adventure to everyone he meets. Do you know what else he brings? A little package called H1N1. As is almost all of Hayao Miyazaki’s creations, Poroco is beloved by Children and adults alike and this makes him just that much more dangerous of a carrier. So the next time you are thinking about sitting Grandma and your 7 year old twin cousins down to enjoy this film, please heed my warning. Maybe Spirited Away would be better. Wait – there are pigs in that too! Miyazaki, you evil mastermind!! *shakes fist into the air*
Case File #2 – Buri Buri Zaemon (Shin Chan)
As if Shin Nohara didn’t get into enough dirty stinky trouble by himself. A little character called Buri Buri Zaemon, whose nose looks strangely like an XBox 360 controller, happens to come around from time to time taking things to epidemic proportions. In my humble opinion, the combo of Shin and Buri Buri is nothing less a fusion/ass dance that would make the four horsemen of the apocalypse think twice about messing with.
Case File #3 – Oolong (Dragon Ball)
Oolong is a shape-shifting pig that uses his abilities for his own greedy desires…such as world domination maybe? He couldn’t get the Dragon Balls from Goku so he has moved on to plan B – bioterrorism. What better way to take over the planet than turn into a cute catgirl dancing at a convention rave or pretty boy bishonen in a Ouran High jacket passing out roses and then interact with unsuspecting anime fans to spread the t-virus swine flu throughout the land. Sure he can only stay in disguise for five minutes – but what if that is all the time he needs?? So beware of the next you run into some one ‘extra nice’ at a con. It could be a trap… or an new friend, but who can afford to take that chance in this crazy world.
Case File #4 – Ryoga Hibiki (Ranma 1/2)
Ryoga ‘I-should-have-taken-that-left-turn-at-Albuquerque’ Hibiki is the ever wandering friend/rival of Ranma Saotome who turns on to P-Chan the pig. He’s not all there in the head but over all not a bad guy. Don’t let that fool you though. He is the Johnny Appleseed of global thermonuclear biological war. He may be just trying to meet Ranma for a fight a block away from his Tokyo home and end up at the Newark airport in New Jersey, but that doesn’t make it okay to share a little H1N1 at every Texaco gas station he stopped at. And you know he took the scenic route.
Case File #5 – Saizou (Peace Maker Kurogane)
This ill-tempered pig would want nothing more than for you to join him in his displeasure. He would take great joy to pass around swine flu one person at a time. Starting with Tetsunosuke and sparing only Okita. Once he gets going he will be hard to stop, and don’t make fun of his cute curly tail. Ever.
Well I hope you found this informative and that over the reading of this article you have been online stocking up on all the essentials to keep swine flu at bay. Be sure not to watch any anime until this pandemic is over. None at all, It’s just not safe.
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Oh, be sure to check out our new releases this week. Lots of good stuff. 
On a completely different note, FUNimation is adding one more convention to the roster. I will be out at NekoCon in Hampton, VA the weekend of November 6th running a few panels and workshops. If you will be at the con look for FUNimation on the schedule. I hope to see you there.
7 Responses to “It’s a pandemic I tell you!”
dragon0 on October 6th, 2009 at 9:33 pm says:
Hmmm, mixed signals hear. Swine Flue is definatly dangerous, so is this serious or just a hey guys stay healthy thing. Informative, yes. with this lurking about conventions are definatly a place of concern.
Adam S. on October 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm says:
@dragon0: This is satire for sure. Do try and stay nice and healthy and buy lots of lots of anime. It’s full of vitamin C! …also a joke…still buy lots of anime. ^_^
dragon0 on October 6th, 2009 at 10:25 pm says:
Ok so basicly stay on the watch anime when I can diet. Check
Can I get my Vit.C in non citrus please…. thankyou. 
Tyrenol on October 6th, 2009 at 10:47 pm says:
I’m docking points from you, AdamS. I’m docking points from you because you have not realized this sooner.
It doesn’t take a… My mom works at hospital which doubles as a land-snatching dictatorship. (The movie Ultraviolet, anyone?) And you don’t even need whatever combined knowledge they have to figure that out:
Conventions. Several different people coming together. Cute anime mascots that go “oink.” And Then there are these cute mascots that are more alien than not. And You Had JUST FOUND THIS OUT??!!
Hey, folks. Clean your hands, drink plenty of water, eat healthily, get plenty of sleep, don’t touch your eyes and mouth, get a flu shot. Live longer. 
Richard J. on October 6th, 2009 at 11:29 pm says:
I am so grateful to have a very strong immune system. I haven’t gotten any form of the flu for years now. H1N1 doesn’t even worry me on a personal level.
Note: Tyrenol has good advice for keeping healthy. While I personally avoid shots as much as possible, the rest is easy and good for you beyond merely preventing swine flu. (And I don’t avoid shots because of needles, I just don’t like getting shots because I don’t feel like I need them outside of pain medication.)
u_nick on October 7th, 2009 at 7:40 am says:
I was just trying to think about a place to ask ‘any more anime conventions coming up in th enext couple months? Last night I was thinking about a few recent shows that havent been licensed yet. And at the same time I was browsing some Japanese Blu-ray releases that havent been licensed yet (Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu, K-On, Mitchiko to Hatchin, and many more). I thought that I’d love to here some news on new exciting licenses.
Hannah on October 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am says:
So. Many. Awesome. Parodies!
Well done, y’all.
