New Year, New Jaeger? The last several months have been perilous to say the least, rife with uncertainty, animosity, and the occasional ten-foot-tall beast bearing down on you with malicious intent and an empty tummy.
In 2022, we’re looking to get our lives back on track. We recommend a new hobby, a new anime — or better yet, twenty new anime, spoil yourself baby — and most of all, a new career. Change is healthy when it doesn’t involve being devoured, and fortunately for the kids in Attack on Titan, the military has an attractive range of positions available.
Of course, surviving the gruelling training is one thing. Afterwards, you’ll then have to pick which Regiment you’d like to join. Choose the right one and you’ll be set for life. Choose poorly, and you won’t have much life left to worry about anyway. That’s kind of win/win, right?
If you’re still scratching your head, we’ve got the low-down on which Regiment is best for you. We’re sure you’ll be thrilled to bits with what’s in store! …Delicious, succulent bits for the Titans to enjoy… Oh, how scrumptious you’ll be.
- Perks: Plenty of exercise and fresh air. Get to meet lots of interesting people.
- Drawbacks: High cost of insurance. Never enough horses, except the ones flying towards you.
- Seeking: Someone brave/resourceful/crunchy.
- Do not apply if: You intend to live past your twenties.
Looking for nonstop thrills and a chance to try out the newest tech on offer? Then the Scout Regiment could be your true calling. These courageous soldiers are permitted to venture beyond the security of the walls to engage in combat, reconnaissance and frequently, death.
Equipped with omni-directional mobility gear that allows them to whiz through the sky like a frantic mosquito, applicants will get to enjoy a fast-paced lifestyle where no two days are quite the same. Scour the verdant plains, explore the dense woodland areas — it’s a dream job for any aspiring cartographer!
Members of the Scout Regiment are also expected to deal with Titans, to ensure the safety of civilians. It is recommended that applicants experiment with various methods of conflict resolution to find what works best for them. Such options include severing the nape of their necks, cowering in fear, and/or making your peace with god.
You will be provided with your own ODM gear and a set of detachable blades. Upon your resignation or demise, you are to return these items promptly, as they remain the property of the military.
Please note, due to some questionable conduct among this Regiment, you may or may not be considered an enemy of the state upon commencement. As long as you cooperate with your superior officers in the Military Police, they’ll ensure that you will be treated fairly and justly. In fact, you may even enjoy your time in prison.
- Perks: Copious amounts of alcohol and card games. A sweet-looking logo with some flowers on it.
- Drawbacks: Bricks, sometimes. The hours are long, though this is balanced out by [see point 1, directly above].
- Seeking: People with a tendency to drink profusely, or those who are willing to learn.
- Do not apply if: You possess any ambition, whatsoever.
The best offence is a good defence. When the chips are down and the Titans have breached the walls, it falls on the Garrison Regiment to repair the damage as promptly as possible. Should the situation become critical, it is also the duty of these soldiers to initiate the evacuation operation.
During a crisis, applicants must be deft decision makers and natural leaders. The rest of the time, you will be on-call to handle other important matters, such as artillery upkeep, maintaining order among the citizens, and finding the most comfortable chairs upon which to sit.
Led by the inspirational Dot Pyxis, there are many opportunities for growth within this Regiment. If you’re fond of helping others, the Engineering Corps is a subdivision featuring some of the best and brightest. They are chiefly tasked with refuelling and restocking ammunition, which many find preferable to having to face off against Titans directly.
The Garrison Regiment is also the largest of the three disciplines, and is always looking for a few more people to sit in on the next hand of poker. Consider this to be the engine that keeps everything running, and they’re proud of the assistance they provide for their people.
Whether it’s building the walls that keep the Titans at bay, or building a better community through their honest, humble service, you can count on them to bring a smile to your face. Please do not count on them to actually know how to handle dangerous situations, however. That’s not their department.
- Perks: You are legitimately in the best position possible. Military Police also sounds like a cool name for an indie band.
- Drawbacks: [REDACTED]
- Seeking: The very best of the best, especially if they have the loosest of the loose morals.
- Do not apply if: You didn’t graduate top 10 in your class. It’s an actual condition, and it would be super embarrassing for you if you didn’t listen.
I will be completely transparent when I tell you that this is the most excellent job available, and qualifying for it will give you eternal license to look down your nose at others. Those possessing a sinister sneer are therefore preferred.
Due to its limited intake of only the most elite or popular, successful applicants will find themselves undertaking highly salient assignments. Land distribution and tax collection are paramount, or if you’re feeling particularly eager, you can act as a gaoler for military criminals.
All Military Police will be relocated into the inner walls, in order to best perform their duty. They must also supervise the monarch and be given the most resources. All employee of the month awards will be distributed solely to its members.
With this additional pressure comes heightened authority, and all other Regiments must answer to the Military Police without exception. Any resistance may be met with swift and violent justice. It is recommended that, instead of fighting against your local member of the Military Police, you provide them with a friendly donation, while describing how amazing they are and how cool their haircut looks. A handbook of acceptable bribe rates is available upon request.
Lastly and most significantly, should a member of the Military Police ever come into contact with a Titan, it will be considered a failure of the other Regiments, and cause for disciplinary action. On that note, if you are actually a Scout or Garrison member, please cease reading this job description, as your filthy eyes are not welcome here.
- Perks: You are potentially the greatest hero your people have ever known.
- Drawbacks: You are potentially the worst villain your people have ever known.
- Seeking: The restless, the downtrodden and the brooding.
- Do not apply if: You’d prefer not to murder your former colleagues (I guess you never worked in retail?)
None of the above positions are doing it for you? Perhaps you didn’t qualify for the Military Police and can’t bear to settle for less? Or maybe you’re tired of being nice and you just want to go Assault Titan?
There is one more option, though it does not come recommended by the Eldian military, due in no small part to the fact that it is specifically attempting to overthrow the Eldian military. Rumours claim that there is a rebel sect known as the Jaegerists, who will stop at nothing to see their eponymous leader’s vision realised.
Their intentions are strictly classified information, though what we can reveal is that the man behind the mayhem, one Eren Jaeger, formerly of the Scout Regiment, is a dangerous individual with catastrophic machinations. As such, a successful applicant will have to be calculating, methodical and downright genocidal. Upper body strength is also a plus.
Membership to the Jaegerist movement is growing rapidly, and includes defectors from the various Regiments. Needless to say, those who elect to betray the Eldian military will forfeit any accrued leave.
If you are interested in learning more about career paths on Paradis, Attack on Titan Final Season Part 2 premieres this week! The thrilling next season will decide the outcome of the whole continent, in a grudge match for the ages between Eren and his old foe Reiner.
We’ll see you there, hopeful applicant, and we’ll be happy to tell you more about why you should become a member of the Military Police…